Thursday, July 9, 2009

The sun will come out tomorrow....

That's what the song says, so it must be true, right? And I am pretty sure that it didn't mean that the sun was actually going to come was talking metaphorically.

I have been in a deep funk lately. I mean a DEEP, DARK, NASTY funk. I felt in some ways that I was barely functioning. I was going to work and doing all the things I was supposed to do and on the outside I supposed I looked fairly normal (well, as normal as I usually look, anyway!) but on the inside I was a step beyond barely holding it together.

Talking about depression is a risky thing for me. In the circle in which I work and have friends, there are people who will not understand this. Because, to them, if you believe what you say you believe, you don't feel like I've felt. You trust, you believe, and you don't fall into the deep, dark pit of depression. If you do, you're not trusting or believing enough. I trust, I believe, but maybe not enough, because I have been seriously depressed.

I hate when people ask me what is wrong and then don't like my answer. "I don't know." It's the truth. I don't know. If I did maybe I would tell you, maybe I wouldn't, but I would at least tell you that I wasn't going to tell you. If I say I don't know, then accept that as the truth.

I hate when people tell me all the "pat" answers that I already know. I think sometimes that people who don't understand, for whatever reason, think that all you have to do is wave some magical wand and "poof" the depression will go away. After all, you aren't really depressed, right? You're just sad. Or selfish. Oh, how I hate that! I'm selfish because I am depressed. When you are depressed you are only focusing on yourself. Just shake it off. Get over it. Think about others and you will be alllllllll betttttttter. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. I don't consider myself a selfish person, I really don't. And believe me--if there was some magic make-it-go-away wand out there, I would LOVE to have it.

I have spent the last week and a half trying to figure out why it hit me now. Why I couldn't seem to shake the oppressive, wet-blanket feeling that had settled down on me. This is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love, love, love summer, so why on earth would I be depressed now? The sad thing is that I still can't figure it out. The happy thing is that it seems to be leaving me. I am feeling better and more optimistic about things. And hey, if this can't cheer me up:
nothing can! And yes....the sun is out today, both really and metaphorically. :)

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