Friday, January 1, 2010

A New Year

I suppose I should say "Happy New Year", since that is the "PC" thing to do. It technically isn't the new year here, yet, but it will be soon. I'm not feeling all that happy, though.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I had a bad vacation. I so did not. I actually had a wonderful vacation, truth be told. It's just that, at this time of the year, you tend to start thinking about things better left, well..un-thunk. (yes. I made up a word. I can do that because it's my blog, not yours.)

I am about to almost be close to middle age in a few months. I am not liking that at all. In fact, it quite depresses me because my life didn't turn out like I had planned. Isn't that a funny statement? I mean, who gets to have a planned-out life, anyway? Stupid type-A personality that I am...I expected that my life would follow the plan that I had for it. and...wait for it....POW! Right there is my whole up-bringing slapping me in the face. I don't get to plan my life. Ok. I can deal with that (as my nervous tic begins tic-ing). You know what really ticks me off, though? Glad you asked...happy to tell you.

Why is it that some people get to do whatever they want and still come out on top? They could fall into a pile of, well, you know, and still come out smelling like a rose. Then there are those people who do everything they are supposed to. And I do mean everything. Shouldn't those people get something that they want? Notice that I said something, not everything.

Those who know me know what I want and I don't think I am asking for too much. I really don't. I know all the right answers and all the right little sayings. By now, though, they are trite. By now they sound like platitudes that people say because they don't want to say anything to "offend".

Sometimes I want to just say "screw it" and do whatever I want. I pretty much don't, though, and it isn't always for the "right" reasons. Fear is a powerful tool and it does much to keep me in line. Fear of losing my job, fear of disappointing the people I love, fear of pushing just a little too much. Fear is a powerful motivator for a type-A.

So, a new year. We'll see.

Oh--and lest you think I sound bitter...well, maybe just a little. Generally not much. Sometimes. Like tonight. But not so much bitter as just sad.

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