Friday, January 27, 2012

Well, I did it...

I got on the scale today.

Now you know why you felt the earth shake.

After much crying, wailing, and gnashing of teeth, I have pulled up my big(ger) girl panties and have made a decision.

I am tired of being fat.

Four(ish) years ago I lost (get ready for it) SEVENTY-FIVE pounds.  Yes.  I lost the equivalent of a small person.  Since then I have gained all but about about 7 pounds of it back.

I am ashamed to admit that.

I feel disgusting.

I feel like a sausage in my clothes.

I refuse to buy a bigger size pants....again.

I am almost forty and I feel like I have the body of an eighty year old.  My feet hurt, my knees are starting to hurt, and I am all out of breath walking up the FOUR stairs to my house.




I'm not going to say that I did it for all the wrong reasons last time, although I do think some of the reasons were wrong.  I have to get this under control, though, or I may not make it to fifty.  Which we are not going to talk about because forty is hard enough for me to deal with.  Which is to say, I am not dealing with it.

Denial, table for one, please.


No more donuts.  No more bagels.  No more cake, brownies, or cupcakes.  And...No.More.Ice.Cream.


I CAN do this, though.  I know that I can.  I am not setting any outrageous, "I am going to lose fifty pounds by April 1" kind of goals, though, because I know how I can be about what I consider failure.  I do hope to lose at least ten pounds by my birthday and then (hopefully) another ten by the end of the school year.  I remember how good I felt four summers ago when I could wear cute summer clothes and I know how awful I feel right now.  I hate myself and I hate looking in the mirror.  I have never liked getting my picture taken and now it is even worse.  I hide from the camera as much as I can because I am ashamed that I let myself get like this again.

There is a thinner me inside of this person and she is going to escape.  And this time she is going to stay.


  1. :o( I konw how you feel :o(

  2. You know you can do it, you've done it before! I've made the same comments about myself. Part of the reason I have shed some poundage is because I saw you do it. Stick with it. I know it's hard, but taking the first step is the hardest IMO. Keeping it up after the first step just becomes routine. You can do it!

  3. You can do it! You HAVE done it! And I know what you can do when you set your mind to it. Good for you--I will be praying for your success (as I eat the tiramisu cake someone gave us and the cheesecake sampler someone else gave us...Sigh:( It never ends!). Send some of your willpower my way if you have any extra! :)