I was sitting in my office today
Then I started thinking about how often I say "If I could just _________, I would be so happy." I must confess, I say it a lot. If I could just....get married, I would be so happy. If I could just.....be a mommy, I would be so happy. If I could just.....have a lot more money, I would be so happy. If I could just....have no more problems at work, I would be so happy.
And then, I felt guilty. I keep wanting more and more and am obviously not satisfied with what I have. As I sat in my chair pondering my attitude, one of my teachers came to talk to me. At first, I will confess, I was a little annoyed. I had asked for, and had gotten permission, to leave a little early. I had some things I wanted to get done this afternoon, including purchasing a small, but yummy, treat for my teachers for tomorrow morning. I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to leave early now that this teacher was coming to talk to me.
I put my annoyance aside as she came in. She needed to talk to me about a few classroom related things and then she wanted to speak to me concerning a faculty/staff meeting that we had this morning. We got some news that we weren't totally expecting that is going to affect all of us financially. Most of us are living from paycheck to paycheck so this news was not welcome. Those of you that have been following me for a while know how stressed out I can get over things that are out of my control. This morning, however, was a little different. Although this is going to be tough on me monetarily, I am, at this time, not worried. After all that I have been through over the last year between work issues and personal issues, I have come to realize that God has taken care of me even when I didn't know what was going to happen. This became especially clear to me during the whole housing crisis I had at the beginning of the year.
Anyway--the teacher was asking me about the news that we got and was genuinely watching my reaction. I told her how I felt and she looked at me and said "Wow, you are really different. What's changed since the beginning of the year?" I told her how I felt and how God had really shown me that He will take care of me through the things I had been through lately. I have been trying to encourage her anyway because of some personal things she is going through and I was so glad that I had kept up my encouragement. I wasn't putting on a show for her; I really meant what I was telling her.
As I was talking to her, I kept thinking about my "If I could just..." I have decided that I am going to work on being more content. That is not an easy thing for me to say. There are some things that I would like to have...more along the lines of wishful thinking. If I could just....live at the beach. Ok. I know that isn't going to happen, but I love the beach, so it is nice to think about it. I don't pine over it though like I do some of those other things. I have decided, though, to work on putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak, and be more content with what I have. I have a home that, while it is not HUGE, it is perfect for me and miss raven and I love, love, LOVE my kitchen. I have a job that, while it still will always have its ups and downs, I genuinely enjoy. I love the kids I work with and most of the people I work with. I have enough money to cover all of my needs, even though sometimes it is tight. I may not be able to buy everything I WANT, but that's ok. I have a wonderful family, fantastic friends, and a snugglie little puppy that is trying mightly to stay awake on my lap as I type.
I need to start living in the land of Countingmyblessings and less in the land of IfIcouldjust. How about you?