Friday, January 25, 2013


i had a really good day today.  my kids were good, we had Chinese food for lunch, and the afternoon was a lot of fun.

i came home, ate a sensible dinner, knit for a while, played on the computer, and drank some coffee.

and then i checked a couple of facebook pages and now i am struggling.

i feel empty.

lately i have really working on trying to be content, even happy, with my life.  i am not living the life that i envisioned when i was 20, 25, 30, or even 35.  i am a "typical" female...having had my "dream" wedding/life planned for as long as i can remember.

except my dreams, for whatever reason, haven't come true.

oh, i know.  i could *still* get married and at the last wedding i attended i had a very sweet lady tell me that i would be next.

that was over two years ago.

i avoid weddings now.

i had someone tell me that i am an "unclaimed blessing".  she meant well, i am sure, but it was like a knife in my heart.

and now, everywhere i turn, i am surrounded by pregnant women.  i can't get away from them.

it feels like a big, mocking joke.

because i am now 40.  my "child-bearing" years are close to passing me by, if they haven't already.

i am trying to be content and i am trying, desperately, to be happy, but i can't help but wonder why everyone else gets their "dream come true" and "happily ever after" and i am left on the outside looking in.  i had enough of this whole getting-picked-last when i was in grade/middle/high school.  i really thought by now it would be different.

so, although i had a good great day, i am feeling empty.  and sad.  and struggling very hard to not be.



  1. Don't give up. I found my husband when I was 38 and we had a daughter the year we go married. I am 45 now. You never know where you might find him. You are a neat lady and the kids in your class love you.

  2. Actually, I do 'get it'. I'll be turning 40 in August. I've spent the past ten years of my life being afraid to get pregnant again for fear that I have another miscarriage while at the same time feeling empty inside because I'm 39 and DON'T have children.

    A part of me has made peace with this, but a bigger part of me finds this very painful.

    As far as marriage goes, I found love when I wasn't even looking for it. I was supposed to be swept away by an English guy I met on the internet. Instead, two months before I was to leave, I met the love of my life when my sister got up to use the bathroom. Hubby was chatting on AOL with one of my younger sisters.

    So, don't count yourself out just yet.

  3. BFF,

    I know how you feel to a certain degree. Even though I have been married with a child for a while now. I do remember the times when I desperately wanted my dream to come true. Like you, I was soooo tired of the getting picked last, being the least athletic, not as smart, the list goes on and on... I decided that I had to live for ME and not the 'dream'. And like Jen stated "I found love when I wasn't even looking for it." I stopped looking because I was so sick of having my hopes, dreams, and heart broken. I had to stop because of the dissapointent and pain. That's when I found 'it'. Then after I found it, it scared the living crap out of me that this was the 'it' that I had spent all of my life looking for. You know him very well. He can be/is a goober, annoying, and drives me absolutely crazy I know his my match, God's match, and I couldn't make it without him.

    I love you more than the world BFF! I know that you know this and everything that I stated above. Just remember that when you aren't looking, not expecting to find, totally given up, and totally give everything to God for him to deal with because you can't handle the hurt anymore, that is when 'it' will find you.

    Love you!!!!