Life is not a fairy tale....

I think maybe that I might watch too many "chick" flicks. You know the ones I am talking about. The ones where, no matter what has gone on in the last hour and twenty or so minutes, EVERYTHING works out in the end. Adorable, cute, funny, smart, girl gets gorgeous, sexy, passionate, sweet, romantic, boy. Happily ever after.

If you were to ask me what my favorite movie is, I would tell you, without pause, Cinderella. YES, the cartoon movie. I have always loved that movie. I still do. There is something about it that, no matter that I am rapidly approaching (gulp) 40, still gets to me. Still makes me hopeful that one day MY prince will come. I watch, I wait, I try to be patient, I work on being content, but dag-on it! Where the heck is he? I half wonder if, one of these days, when (I have to say when, I can't say if--that is too depressing), so when he shows up I am going to blurt out "You're late! Where the heck have you been?!?"

There are two (more) pregnant women at work. I am struggling to be happy for them. I mean truly happy for them. Happy enough to not be jealous. They are lovely women and I am sure they will make wonderful mothers. They are a good ten years younger than me, though, and I can't help but be jealous. When I was still teaching my middle school students would ask me questions on the back of their quizzes. Some of the questions were silly, some they wouldn't want me to repeat out loud--they just wanted a private answer, and one that I will always remember was "If you weren't a teacher, what would you want to be?" My answer was always the same...a mommy.

I would like to think I would be a good mommy. I would bake cupcakes for the class. I would volunteer to help the teacher. I would give the good teacher presents (because I was a teacher). I would do crafts and finger paint and play-dough. I know there are lots of other things that make one a good mommy and I know that I would make mistakes, but I still think that, given the chance, I would make a good mommy. I am fearing, though, that I won't get the chance.

So, even though I watch Cinderella, and am always a little teary at the end because of the happily ever after, I know that real life isn't a fairy tale, and that makes me kind of sad.

Are you ready?

For some FOOTBALL?!?!?

(disclaimer: if you have the unfortunate luck to be sitting in a law firm in Ohio you probably will NOT enjoy the beginning of this post. Scroll down for a better topic, keeping in mind that if you aren't careful, the face that you are making right now WILL freeze that way. ;P )

I {heart} football. I do not try to hide that fact. Yes, it IS a GAME. I understand that whoever wins the game on Sunday (or Monday, or Thursday, or the occasional Saturday late in the season) will not change what is going on in the world. You know, the important stuff....poverty, national health care (NO! NO! NO!), war, famine. I get it.

Again. I {HEART} FOOTBALL. I can not wait until the first Sunday game of the season. I can't wait to hear that it is, in fact, football night in America. I can't wait to see my COWBOYS! play their first game in their brand-spanking new, fan-freaking-tabulous stadium (sorry, Jerry Jones, I don't give a rat's hiney WHAT you call it, the home stadium for the COWBOYS! will A.L.W.A.Y.S. be TEXAS STADIUM. At least you aren't a sell-out like (ahem) dan snyder). I can't wait to see Terry Bradshaw make a moron out of himself on national TV. I am greedily anticipating that first Sunday and it is ALMOST HERE!!!

I am, in fact, ready for some FOOTBALL!!!

The end of the season used to be bittersweet for me. I love watching the Super Bowl, even in my 'Boys aren't there. And, no, not just for the commercials. But, it is the END of the season (oh, please, the Pro-Bowl SO doesn't count!) I used to go to a friend's house to watch THE big game. We were good friends, at least I thought we were. We haven't spoken since March. That makes me sad. I'm not sure exactly what happened, except that I got tired of being the "friend"-that-gets-the-call-when-I-have-nothing-better-to-do. I finally had enough when I got accused of spreading rumors about her. The last time I checked I was an adult, not a teenager, and oh-by-the-way, have WAY better things to do with my time then talking about someone who was SUPPOSED to be my friend. What ACTUALLY happened, I believe, was that she found someone "better". I was REALLY hurt for a while. This was a person who I had really confided in, shared secrets with. I cried with her, she cried with me. She was one of the few people who I knew I could talk to after my mom passed away. It hurt to know that I wasn't good enough for her anymore. I am not the type of person who needs many friends, so to have someone who I REALLY thought was a good friend turn on me like that hurt deeply. So this season, when it comes time to watch the Super Bowl, I am anticipating watching it alone. I will try not to be too sad. Heck, maybe miss raven and I will throw a party for two. :)

Speaking of two (and dang this is looking like a LONG post)....

Today was the end of week two at school. Only a bazillion more to go. Possibly a slight exaggeration. I suppose it just seems like that many. So...good things that happened this week:

1. Whoo-hoo! A slight raise starting in November!!!!!!!

2. miss raven and I got our picture taken AND I found out that my local JC Penney also does portrait sittings with pets!!!

3. Pre-season football tonight!

4. Cheese popcorn (sigh)

5. Thunderstorms

6. Finding my new favorite song(s). I am totally into Colbie Caillat and Jason Mraz. I'm not sure if that makes me lame or not and frankly, my dears..... ;)

7. A tentative solution to a problem that I was wrestling with over the weekend. It is not the solution I want, but it never will be, no matter how much I want it to be. (But I digress, this is supposed to be good things from the week, not sort-of ok things.)

8. My increasing love for my Blackberry. I think that may deserve it's very own post.

9. Finding out on Wednesday that I am 9.4 away from where I want to be.

10. miss raven. She will always be on ANY list of GOOD things that happen to me. I {heart} my girlie!

Have a fantastic weekend!! :)

Chhhheeeeeeeesssssseeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

miss raven and I had our picture taken tonight. As I have mentioned previously, I DESPISE, LOATHE, DETEST, ABHOR having my picture taken. I have never, ever, ever, thought that I look good in pictures. My smile always looks fake and, as we all know, the camera adds 10 (err, 20, maybe 30-50) pounds.

I was intrigued, however, by the offer of a free 8x10 AND being able to have miss raven in the picture with me. I thought I would give it a try. No, we didn't dress alike, but don't think I didn't think about it. I DO NOT dress miss raven up, though, and all she has are sweaters. It was WAY too warm to be putting a sweater on her. She did get to wear her sparkly pink necklace, though.Hey--a girl has to look good for the camera!

We had to wait a few minutes before we were called in to sit for the picture. I wisely brought along a small baggie of cheerios because I knew that it would help distract my little diva. When we got to go in, miss raven decided she really, really didn't want her picture taken. I tried to get her to put her ears up, the photographer tried to get her to put her ears up, a friend of mine from work tried to get her to put her ears up, all to no avail. I sat on a stool, I sat on the floor. I coaxed, I pleaded, I cajoled. Nothing worked. She was not in the mood.

We did end up with some o.k. shots. Not too bad, but I wish she would have put those darn big old ears up. You know, like this:or this:or even this: but, noooooooo. SOMEONE had to be a diva. Honestly, though....I'm not surprised. ;)

A comment for me? Really?!?!

:)

After, ummm (ahem) complaining about the fact that I never receive any comments on my blog, someone actually left one for me!!! I am sure that it is silly of me to care, since I do know that there are a handful of people who read my little blog, but, I do care. And I thank you for the comment.

miss raven and I are having our picture taken professionally tomorrow night. I am actually excited about that. Normally I LOATHE having my picture taken. I always feel that I come off looking phony. Maybe with her in the picture it will make me look better. :)

School has calmed down some (sshhhhhh....pretend I didn't say that out loud--I don't want to jinx anything) I am having issues with someone I work with, but am confident that I will be able to handle it. Well, mostly confident. Ok...somewhat confident. Usually.

Work, life, and everything else.....

I realized, when someone brought it to my attention, that it has been almost a whole week since I have blogged. I knew I hadn't blogged for a while, but I didn't realize that (a) it had been that long, and (b) that anyone really noticed. I must say, it IS nice to know that people read my blog. (leave comments, people!)

I haven't blogged for a couple of reasons. First, last week was a DOOZY of a week for me. The first week of school generally is, but this one was DOOZIER (yes, I just made that word up. It's my blog, I can make up words if I want to.) than most. My school week ended with me having to suspend a 7th grade boy for starting a fight. Fun? I think not.

I have also been going through some things personally. Private things. Personal things. Things that, although writing about them might help me, writing about them on a public blog would not. So instead, I wrestle with them in my mind and in my heart. And I believe that they will eventually work themselves out. Most likely not in the way I wish/want them to, but nonetheless, they will work out and I won't have to wrestle with them anymore.

Today is Monday and Monday is almost over. All was relatively quiet on the school-front and right now miss raven is dozing sweetly beside me while I type and watch ESPN. I WANTED to watch PTI, but noooooooo....the Little League World Series is on. Seriously?!? My FAVORITE sports show is being pre-empted because of a bunch of kids playing baseball? That almost, but not quite, makes me want to use highly inappropriate language.

Day 2 OR Is this really happening?

I so thought that Day 2 would be WAY better than Day 1. LOL! Silly me!

It started out good. I had a teacher out today, but I knew that was coming. I was prepared. Things were going smoothly, classes were progressing well--well, we were really only completely through 1st period. Then. It. Happened.

I got a phone call. A child fainted in Mrs. X's room. I rush down there (as fast as I could in heels) and sure enough, there were four adults tending to one child laying on the floor. I was sent to fetch ice. I came back with said ice and then was able to talk to my student. Very, very long story short.....child went to ER. He is fine. Was a little queasy because of something that was shown in class. But really. THE SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL?!?!

Is it wrong that I am dreading the third day of school??? :(

What? Wait...am I being punked???

UPDATE:
1. The teacher came to school!
2. My morning went well.
3. My afternoon reached up and slapped me for being so confident about my morning.
4. I have very good friends who made me laugh this morning to help take away my stress. You know who you are and I appreciate you very, very much. :)
5. 1 down, 179 to go.


Really? A teacher calls out the first day of school? REALLY?!?! Where are the cameras? I KNOW this isn't real!! Oh, pleasepleasepleaseplease don't let this be an indication of how the year is going to go.......

A wonderful way to end my week....

So my week wasn't the greatest, but it ended on a very lovely note.

I spent the entire day in the city yesterday. I don't go into the city near as much as I want to. I always SAY that I am going to go in and do things, but I rarely ever do it. Yesterday, I did.

Eastern Market is one of my most favorite places. It is so eclectic. I love looking at the artwork, and the jewelry, and the fresh produce, and the clothes, and the flowers, and most of all, I LOVE looking at the people! There are so many interesting people at Eastern Market.

After the market, I went to the Library of Congress, and then around the Capitol to the Botanical Gardens.
I love the architecture in the city. There are so many interesting buildings here. After looking at the flowers and plants I went to eat lunch. There is a really nice Mexican restaurant (Oyamel) near the National Gallery and since that was going to be my next stop I figured I would try it. I've never had tapas before and it was pretty cool. It is very hard for me to find authentic Mexican food up here and I am VERY picky about the Mexican food that I eat. This was good, though. Very good.

On to the National Gallery. Sorry, no pictures for you from there. My favorite exhibit there is the Calder exhibit. If you're ever in the neighborhood, check it out. :)

Starbucks was next. You didn't think I would go through the whole weekend without it, did you?? Venti Mocha Light Frapp. To quote my favorite 10 year old..."It was like a party in my mouth." :)

After sitting for a while at Starbucks I walked to the Korean War Memorial by way of the White House and the Ellipse.
It was a beautiful day and I was so happy. I ended up at the Lincoln Memorial. The top of the Lincoln is my most favorite place in all of the city. I LOVE to sit at the top, look out over the reflecting pool at the Washington Monument and the Capitol, and just generally watch people.
I love how the view changes as night falls.
And then the city lights come on.
I'm sure that there are other nice places in the city, but that is my absolute favorite. Anyone who will take the time to walk all the way there with me and sit there with me is someone special. Only a handful of people have ever done that for me.

I got home late, but it was worth it. I needed that day. I needed to not have to think about work and just relax. This week is going to be stressful and walking around a beautiful city on a beautiful day was enough to prepare me for what is to come.....I hope. :)

what a week....

This has been quite an interesting week.

Monday--the beginning of another school year is upon me and with it many new changes. We have a new administrator at our school. He seems like he is going to do a good job, but there is always an uneasiness and "unsureness" when a new leader comes on board.

Tuesday--I am fairly happy with the teachers on my team this year. Although I have many new ones, I have the faith that they will do well. I also have fantastic returning teachers who will not only do well with their own classes but will help the new teachers "learn the ropes."

Wednesday was what I expected it to be. I'm not sure it will ever get easier.

Thursday--My brother found out that he got a teaching position! I am beyond happy for him! He is going to teach 7th grade math (blech!) at a middle school near where we grew up. He is thrilled to no longer be working at the grocery store he has worked at for a LONG time. I am SO proud of him!! :)

Friday--today was Parent/Student orientation. It went mostly well, but I had the usual issues. Parents who want to change classes for one reason or another, parents who aren't happy with the size of the class, parents who aren't happy with the teacher(s) that their child will have. I havve learned that, as a principal, I also have to be a diplomat/politician. What I want to say is almost always different from what I actually say. Jobs are hard to come by these days and I want to keep mine. ;)

Friday night--although today wasn't fantastic, I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to an open air market in the city and then hopefully visiting some of the local "touristy" things. Museums, monuments, etc. I don't go into the city nearly as often as I should. I have also decided that, sometime this fall, I am going to go to a county fair (I've only ever been to one and I want to experience it again) and I am going to take a bus to NY city. I {heart} NYC. Although I have only been there once, that was all it took. I found out this summer that it is reasonably cheap to ride a bus up there, spend the day, and then ride the bus home. Beats driving, trying to find parking, and paying a zillion dollars for gas.

Re-cap--one of the best things from this week? PRESEASON FOOTBALL, BABY!!!! WHOOO-HOOO (you, yes you, in the law firm in Ohio---quit rolling your eyes and being a hater.) I {HEART} ME SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!!!! I do believe that football is the only good thing about fall and winter. Ok, well, maybe not the ONLY good thing, but pretty dang close.

miss raven is doing well thankyouforasking. You want proof? I'm happy to oblige!

See--I told you? Look at that face! The picture of contentment. What a sweetie she is! :)

Here's hoping that next week is just a wee bit calmer....

Sadness

I've said before that writing this blog is cathartic for me. This is one of those days that statement is the most true.

I feel numb today. Four years ago today my mom passed away. For me, it was completely unexpected. I knew she hadn't been feeling well, was even using a wheelchair, but I didn't know how bad it really was. Everyone seems to have differing opinions about this. Generally, she wouldn't tell me how bad off she really was and I want to believe it is because she didn't want me to worry about her. She was allowed to worry about me, but I wasn't allowed to worry about her.

There are five stages to the grieving process and I seem to be stuck somewhere between two and four. I'm not sure I was ever in stage one, which is denial. For me, her death happened so suddenly that I didn't really have the chance to figure out what had happened. Death is final, you can't deny that. Stage two is anger, three is bargaining, and four is depression. I don't know that I will ever be in stage three. I can't really bargain her back...again, death is final. Stage two and stage four, though....that's where I am.

Anger? Yep. I go back and forth being angry at God. I believe in God. I was raised to believe in God. I believe what the Bible says about God, about everything. Right now, although I believe I kind of don't care. As irrational and "wrong" as it may be, I am angry at God. Sometimes my anger reaches the rage level. I don't even care if people read this and judge me for it anymore. And DO NOT tell me you understand unless you've been through it. I am also sometimes angry with my mom. I've had people tell me that she missed my Nana (her mom) so much and she wanted to be with her again. When I think about that, and I think that maybe she gave up and just didn't want to be well and wanted to die, I get mad at her. Wasn't I good enough? Wasn't my dad good enough? What about my brother? What about his new little boy? When I reach thinking about my nephew, though, I think about the pictures that I have of when he was born and my mom was holding her first grandchild and I think that there is NO WAY she gave up. She was thrilled with him, you can tell when you look at the pictures. He was her angel and she loved him so much. I can't really believe she would want to leave us. I can't because that crushes my heart.

Depression is stage four and I seem to bounce back and forth between this and anger. I feel immensely guilty when I am angry at my mom. I also feel an enourmous amount of guilt because the summer that she died was the first summer I didn't go home. I had been angry at her and my dad because they hadn't come to visit me. My dad had won a trip at work and they could have gone anywhere in the country. Instead of coming to visit me, they went to San Diego. (Now, there is some background there, lest you think I am THAT selfish. By then, I had lived up here for about 11 years. They had only visited me once in all that time and only because my brother was graduating from boot camp and even then, they only stayed a few days. My mom hated to fly and even getting the chance to see me wasn't enough to get her on a plane.) I was upset by that and I didn't go home. I had planned on going home for Christmas that year, though. Well, I guess the "joke" was on me, so to speak, because I ended up going home that summer after all.

I miss her. I miss her so much sometimes it is hard for me to function. This year is especially difficult because I realized, about the middle of July, that I don't remember her voice anymore. This has hit me really hard. I don't have any recordings or home movies or anything like that. There are times when all I want is to talk to her one more time. I think about her all the time. Not a day passes when I don't think about her and I have to will myself not to cry. Someone recently told me that I should think about what she would want. Would she want me to be sad or to be happy, living my life, making her proud of me? They were right, of course, and I know that. I know she would be proud of me, of what I have accomplished. Thinking about that helps, and I was appreciative of the advice. I doubt that stop my tears, at least not now, though. I don't know how long it takes to get to stage five...acceptance. I also am not sure I know what that means. I accept the fact that she is gone; I know she isn't coming back. I guess for me, stage five will be more peace than acceptance.

I am grateful for my friends and family. I know I have people to talk to, when I need to talk. I don't like be "forced" to talk about things when I'm not ready and most people that I know understand that. I guess blogging about it is my way of talking about it. Putting my feelings out there in a way that is most comfortable for me. If you feel the need to judge me for it, so be it.

Things I am thankful for....

...this does not need an introduction.

1. Family. Although I do not have a large family unit, I am immensely thankful for the family that I have. They care about me, love me, and support me, even if they don't always agree with me.

2. miss raven. that goes without saying.

3. Friends. I have many acquaintances, but I am not a person who needs a lot of friends. The friends I do have I have chosen very carefully and appreciate their advice. They may not always agree with me, but they love me.

4. New beginnings.

There are a lot of other things that I am thankful for. I could fill up at least four posts full, I am sure. I chose to say these things right now to remind me of them. I need the reminder right now. Not because I am feeling unthankful, because I surely am not, but because I am headed into what will be the worst week of the year for me emotionally and I am not looking forward to it. I figure that, if I keep telling myself these things, it will make it a little easier.

Today I talked to my favorite cousin. She isn't that much older than me and I have always LOVED her! She is so funny and she is fun to be with. She knows how difficult this week is going to be for me and she called me today to talk to me. Although I know this already, it is nice to have conformation that I am indeed normal and the feelings that I have are also normal. :) Normal is good, right??

New beginnings?

It's August already and I have been resisting blogging about August for a few reasons. Primarily because I don't want to seem like a whiner, but also because, while I do enjoy blogging--it is very cathartic for me--I am an intensely private person. I know that may be hard to believe, because of some of the things that I write here, but I don't put it all out there. As a matter of fact, there is something that I really want to blog about, but just can't seem to do it right now because, well, just because.

I have a love/hate relationship with August. I hate it because it means that summer is almost over and with it, my vacation from the stress of my job. I love it because it means that it is almost football season. I hate it because it means that winter is coming and I hate (LOATHE) all things winter. I love it because it kind of signifies a new beginning, new possibilities, with the coming of a new school year. I hate it because, well that's another post.

August has started out well so far. I was able to spend a little over a week with my dad, I was able to help celebrate the 60th birthday of my cousin's husband, and I have been able to spend some time with some pretty special people over the last few weeks, including a fabulous dinner tonight: fresh tomato and mozzarella salad, homemade lasagna & cheesy garlic bread, homemade brownies (from scratch) with homemade chocolate buttercream frosting, and wonderful company. :)

miss raven has had a nice beginning to august, also. She was able to spend time with gracie, her cousin, and has generally continued to lead the life of a very well-loved, sweet, puppy. :)

One of the best things about my recent vacation was the fact that I had the chance to reconnect with one of my relatives. My mom's youngest sister was always my favorite aunt. When I was growing up I always thought she was way cool and I wanted to be like her. I loved when she would come to visit because she always had time for my brother and I. She never treated us like we were in the way, which only made me think she was even cooler.

Anyway--things happen, miscommunication occurs (especially in my family!) and somehow we drifted apart. I missed her a lot but my feelings had been hurt and for a while, I was unwilling to let that go. I came to the conclusion, though, that I really had two choices. I could either hang on to the bitterness and hurt feelings and let it turn me into someone bitter and hard, or Icould just forgive and let it go. I also realized that there are two sides to every story and for things like this to happen there is fault on both sides. I was hurt but she was hurt, too.

I was so glad that we were able to sit down a few weeks ago for lunch and just talked. I knew I missed her, but I hadn't realized until just then how much I had missed her. She is still as cool as I remember her being and it was great to be able to catch up with her. I'm looking forward to moving forward. :)