If it begins with "Martha"...

I am no Martha Stewart.  In the future, if something begins with Martha and ends with Stewart I should probably LEAVE. IT. ALONE.

I was reading a few blogs over the weekend and they had all seen the cover of the new Martha Stewart magazine.  The cover of the mag had these amazingly gorgeous cookies on them.  Cookies that looked like fireworks bursting.  You know, in honor of the 4th of July. 

Oh, how the writers of the blogs raved about those cookies.  How cute they were, how easy they were, how utterly fabulous you would be if you, too, made those cookies.  I fell for it.  Hard.

I bought the magazine, bought the necessary instruments (meriguine powder, disposable icing bags, icing tips, gel food coloring in red and blue, and cookies.  Yes, I bought the cookies.  Ssshhhhh! PLEASE don't tell Martha!).  I came home, prepared the Royal Icing (the name alone should have been a clue!) and set to work.  Only I ran in to a few, um, issues.

--I don't have a whisk attachment for my mixer.  Hmmmm....ok.  I just beat it a little faster.

problem solved

--I was about 4 ounces shy of a pound of powdered sugar.  Hmmmm...ok.  I'll just adjust the recipe.

problem solved

--The meriguine powder and the water weren't forming "soft peaks" while mixing on medium speed.  Hmmmm....ok.  I'll just turn up the mixer.

problem solved

--The icing was too thick.  Hmmm...ok.  I'll just thin it out a little with some extra water.

problem solved

I finally got the right consistincy and was able, albeit messily, to fill up the squeeze bottle with the white icing and the two disposable bags (fitted with the proper tips) with white icing tinted red and blue.  I set to work.

The squeeze bottle was sticking when I tried to outline a circle on the cookies.  I'm still not sure what was the problem since, a little later on, it decided to unstick.  FAST.  ALL OVER ONE COOKIE.  The bag holding the red icing decided to split where it met the coupler (that was holding the tip).  Red icing was everywhere.

Please try to imagine just how sticky this royal icing stuff is.  And sweeter than anything you can imagine.  I spent about half an hour mopping my little kitchen when I was done to try to prevent an onslaught of ants.  Blech!

About an hour, and a great deal of patience later, I ended up with these:

And this:

And I have decided that, if it begins with Martha and ends with Stewart, I want nothing to do with it.

Ugh.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA !!!!!